When it comes to dating someone who is trans, it's like dating anybody else.It's your first time dating someone who is trans, and you may want to keep a few things in mind.Do you want to date them?If you genuinely like them and want to get to know them better, you should consider whether your reasoning is a good basis for a relationship.Ask sensitive questions about your date's history or body.It's important to get to know them as a person.Your date will guide you better than anyone else if you listen to them.
Step 1: Pick a place where you feel comfortable.
Ask them to approve of the location you've chosen, or meet in a location of their choice.If you're looking for a place to eat, a bar, or restaurant with single-use or all-gender restrooms is a good choice.They are safer for trans people to use.Don't get carried away!It's probably a good place for your date to stay if you just run a place by them.If you don't know where to find a single-use or all-gender restroom, check refugerestrooms.org.
Step 2: The right pronouns are used.
You can use the gendered language on your date.If you're on a date with a trans woman, she'll use "she/her" pronouns.If your date is a man who is transitioning, he will be called "he/him."They may prefer "ze/zir" or other pronouns if your date is nonbinary.Listen if you don't know what your date uses.Someone who knows them well will probably use the correct pronoun.You have to wait to see how your date refers to them.If you don't hear anything, tell them your pronouns and ask for theirs.You could say, "I meant to ask you, what are your pronouns?"I don't know if mine are he or him.Don't use a pronoun until you know for sure.Don't use your date's name.
Step 3: If you have a cisgender date, follow any rules.
Depending on where you live and what kind of person you are, you might treat people differently.If you're an old-fashioned guy, you might always open the door for women, pay for the drinks, or stand up when a woman enters the room.If your date is a trans woman, you would follow the same rules as before, unless she doesn't like it.You can skip the gendered manners if you and your date are not traditional.If you don't know what your date likes, ask.Is it okay if I pick up the tab tonight?
Step 4: Get to know your date.
The important thing is to get a sense of your date as a whole person, just like when you're dating a cis person.Ask your date what they do for fun and what their hopes and dreams are.What you have in common can be found by sharing about yourself as well.
Step 5: Before you have sex, make sure you communicate extra.
Ask your date to talk to you about what's going to happen if you're about to engage in sexual activity.It's possible that your date prefers certain ways to be touched.There are questions about how to touch them.Ask if there's anything you don't know about.You could say, "I'd like to go further, but will you tell me what you like before we do?"They don't want you to touch any parts of their body.Trans people don't like touching certain areas of their bodies, such as the back, chest, or crotch.Ask them what language they want you to use.Your date may be comfortable in their body but not comfortable using certain words.If you say "pecs" instead of "breasts," a trans man might like it.Listen to the words they use and mirror them.
Step 6: If you make a mistake, apologize and then move on.
If you say the wrong pronoun, ask a question that offends your date, or make a small mistake, just correct yourself and apologize.Next, move on.Don't think about it!You will make your date feel like they need to comfort you if you keep apologizing.If your date is a trans man and you accidentally call him a girl, say "guy, I mean."I am sorry.Use your best judgement if you don't realize you misgendered someone.Some people want an apology, but others don't.Accept the fact that your date is upset.We hurt people when we mean well.Let your date have as much space as they want.
Step 7: Don't compliment them on their presentation.
This is referred to as "passing" when a trans person looks cis.Trans people don't want to be judged on how well they pass, for a variety of reasons.It will make your date feel like you are focusing too much on their gender when you compliment them this way."You're so masculine/feminine!""You look like a cis gender woman/man!"They are likely to offend your date.If you say "Hey, you are so much better at makeup than I am," it's likely to be seen as condescending.You can compliment your date on their looks if you want to.Don't compare them tocis people.People like to be told, "You look amazing in that new jacket!"You're very sharp!
Step 8: Discuss topics that are too personal.
You should be careful about what questions you ask.Early in a relationship, don't ask questions that are inappropriate.If you're curious about your date's sexual history, you should wait for them to talk about it.It's not a good idea to ask a person what kind of surgery they have had.They will bring it up if they want to discuss it.Most trans people don't want to discuss these topics with a new friend.
Step 9: Unless they bring up their pre-transition life, don't ask about it.
You might be interested in what your date's life was like before they transitioned.Asking this can make your date feel like you are only interested in them because of their transition.It can bring up painful memories for some people.Don't ask them what their old name was, and never use it on them."deadnaming" is the use of a trans person's former name.If you knew your date before they transitioned, be careful about what you bring up.Talk about things you did together that weren't gender specific.
Step 10: Your date doesn't need you to assure them.
Don't tell your date you're okay with them being trans or that you think it's cool.If you treat your date with respect, you can show that you are okay.It sounds like you're asking them to thank you for respecting them.If you tell your date that you'rebrave, it may come off as condescending.Your date does not want you to tell them that you don't think of them as trans.They're trans.There is nothing shameful about it.
Step 11: When you introduce them, clearly identify your date.
Introduce your date with their name and gender.There is a chance that someone will use the wrong words to describe them.Introduce your trans girlfriend by saying "This is my girlfriend, Amaranth."You could help other people learn their pronouns by saying, "This is my partner Andy."They're new to town.I'm showing them around.
Step 12: Correct people who use the wrong pronoun.
People who are confused about your partner's gender should be corrected.Before you start doing this, make sure your partner is comfortable with it.If the situation feels dangerous or they are closeted about their gender, you should not.You might say, "What's her name, actually."They use "they/them" pronouns because Julie is nonbinary.You can echo the statement with the correct pronoun if the misgendering is casual."Your date is cute!"Where were you when you met him?"Where did I meet her?"We met at a party.
Step 13: They shouldn't be out as trans.
Your date has the right to keep their transition a secret.Unless your date says you should, don't tell people that you're trans.Some trans people want other people to know their gender history because they are proud of it, while others want to keep it private.Most people assume that some people are cis gender.They won't want you to tell other people that you're trans if your partner wants to pass.It's a good idea to quietly ask your date about it.Who have you come out to?I want to make sure I don't expose you to anyone.What can I do to help protect your privacy?
Step 14: If you want to give other cisgender people information that is private, don't.
If you have a trans person in your life, other people might ask you questions.There is a way to cut off the conversations.If your friend is fishing for information, you might say, "Oh, I'd rather not talk about my partner's body with other people."
Step 15: Take any signs of suicidal behavior in your partner very seriously.
Take your partner seriously if they show any signs of suicidal thoughts.The stress of dealing with transphobia and cissexism can lead to higher suicide rates for trans people.Take your partner's words seriously if they mention wanting to die, feel like there is no hope, or anything that indicates they may be considering suicide.If they are feeling suicidal, leave them alone.If you can't, get someone to stay with them.It's a good idea for your partner to have the Trans Lifeline number.In the US, it's (877) 565-8850.You can connect with Trans resources and educational information by looking into organizations like GLAAD.
Step 16: Don't forget to take care of yourself.
A person who has to deal with more stress than other people is a person you are dating.Extra stress will be experienced by you.Take care of yourself.You should get therapy if you can.Stay in touch with your friends and family.Taking care of yourself is your first responsibility.Even if your partner's life is harder than yours, you should still take care of them.Both of you need to be open about your needs in order for your relationship to grow.
Step 17: Do you want to define your identity?
Some friends and family might ask if your identity has changed when you start dating a trans person.You will not feel like your identity has changed or that your partner's gender doesn't count, in many cases.Take your time to come up with a description that fits how you feel and doesn't discount your partner's gender.You do not owe anyone an explanation.You could say, "I'm a straight man and I date trans women."I identify as a lesbian.I'm not doing it at the moment because I don't know how to define my orientation without putting myself in a box.I am queer/pansexual/omnisexual.The basis of my attraction is not gender.
Step 18: There are people who love trans people.
Make friends with people who have trans partners.You can meet new people by volunteering and attending events.If you want to find a meet-up group for partners of trans people, you need to contact your local LGBTQ center.There are resources for partners on many sites.