How To Deal with a Controlling Mother As a Teen Mom
If your mother is controlling, domineering, or restrictive, it can be hard to assert your boundaries as a teen mom.Establishing boundaries and asserting control on a daily basis will help you get by.You may have to talk to your mom about the problem if the situation is really bad.You can find other sources of mental and social support outside of your family.Depending on your age and financial situation, you may want to work towards an independent living situation.
Step 1: You should establish your boundaries.
Write down what your mother expects you to do.You can carve out boundaries once you know what you want.Let your mother know about the boundaries.Let her know that you are willing to communicate and work with her, but only if she agrees with all of her expectations.Tell her how much notice you need to give.You should reinforce these boundaries when you say, "I'm happy to help out around the house but please give me at least an hour's notice to do something so that I can finish my other work as well."If she tells you that you should not let the child watch TV, you can say, "Thanks for your advice, but as their mother, I think that it should be ok for them to watch a few cartoons."
Step 2: Why can't you do something?
If your mother wants you to do something that you can't do, give her a good reason up front and see if she can find a reasonable alternative.She may be frustrated about something but not mad at you.This will show you have legitimate reasons why you can't obey.If your mom is trying to restrict your movement outside of the house, instead of responding "That's unfair," you can state, "I know you are looking out for me, but I don't."I am going to take them to the park.
Step 3: Negotiating more reasonable expectations.
You may have to change boundaries, expectations, and rules based on your current situation if you areserting your independence.When your mother makes a new rule or demand, reply with a counter-offer.She should be taken into account when giving you more freedom and room.If your mother expects you to report everywhere you go, you can say, "I will call you at three o'clock to update you, but I don't think I can check in more often than that."Tell your mother that you are working as hard as you can.My education is important to me, but so is my kid.I will know I tried my hardest when I get my grade.
Step 4: Empathize with her.
Your mother might want the best for you.Try to see things from the other person's perspective.This will help you appreciate the good things that she does, but it will also give you a way to get around her quirks.She might be stressed out if you are living with her or depend on her for financial support.She might not have expected to help raise another baby.She may have been planning on saving money for retirement so that she could care for your child.She might have to take extra shifts at work.She may be controlling, but her attempts to guide you might be an expression of her love.To show her how much you appreciate her help, be sure to express your gratitude and look for opportunities to do things.People don't like to make great sacrifice and feel unappreciated.
Step 5: Come to her as a mother.
Ask your mom if you can have a serious conversation with her when she is not busy and distracted.Both of you should start this conversation by thanking her for being your mother and asserting your desire to be a good mother of your own.You can say, "I was hoping we could talk about the types of expectations and rules that are placed on me."I want to be a good mother, but I can't because I'm still being treated like a child.What can we do to improve the situation?
Step 6: Explain to her that you don't have enough room.
Let your mother know what the problem is so she can help you find a solution.Do not blame your mother, but emphasize your need for more space and freedom in the home.If you don't want your mother interfering with your parenting, you can say, "I know you raised children yourself and that you are giving me advice, but I need to be able to parent my child in my own way."I know I am young, but I have had to grow up a bit.If you want to emphasize how important it is for you to protect your child and do right by them, you can say, "I need more space if I'm going to grow any more as a person."She will know that your child is safe if she lets go of control.If you are over the age of 18 you can say, "I am a legal adult now and I'm a parent."I don't think it's reasonable to micromanage my day or confine me to the house.
Step 7: I statements can be used.
"I" statements allow you to state how a problem makes you feel without blaming the other person.It is possible to have a serious conversation with your mother without her becoming defensive.Start sentences with phrases like "I feel" or " I think" to avoid conflict.Instead of saying that you are controlling my life and making me do everything, you can say that I am expected to cook, clean, and take care of a young child.I can't balance everything because I feel stressed constantly.Can you help me figure it out?
Step 8: Let go of guilt.
Your mother may try to exert control over you by establishing how she contributes financially to your life or how much she helps with the baby.You need to be clear that you need space and freedom while you appreciate her doing these things.She is thanked for what she does, but she is not given control over your life.You can say, "I am very grateful for your help, but I still need to make my own decisions in life."
Step 9: There is a solution to be worked out.
Before working out a plan that you can achieve together, try to find common goals and actions that both you and your mother agree on.You may need to compromise.Your mother and you both agree that your child needs to be raised in a loving home.If you both want to create a peaceful environment for your child, you should start with this point.If you and your mother can agree on a new set of responsibilities, that would be great.It is possible that you will only be responsible for washing the laundry for you and your child.You might want to ask for an hour or two a day.You could say that you need at least an hour after school to finish your homework.Your mom may not be around during this time.
Step 10: Keep calm.
The conversations can quickly get heated.If you insult your mother, it will only make your relationship worse.Use a calm, even tone as you speak to your mom.If you are worried that you will get upset, take a break.Take a deep breath before you speak to your mother.To give yourself more time, you can count to five or ten.You can discreetly squeeze the stress ball as you talk.You can divert your energy by doing this.If you start to get nervous, you may want to rehearse or even write down what you are going to say.
Step 11: Talk to a counselor.
Try to talk to your school nurse, counselor, or social worker if you are in school.If you aren't in school, talk to your health insurance provider to find out if you are eligible for counseling and if there are mental health professionals in your area.Specific, local resources that can help you in your situation may be provided by them.They may be able to offer psychological assistance during this time.
Step 12: You can join a support group.
There are many support groups for teen mothers.You can vent your feelings to people who are not in the situation.Some people in the group may have had similar issues with their parents.They might be able to give you resources and advice tailored to your situation.You can check with your local department of social and health services, council, or school district to see if they offer support groups for young moms.Young mom support groups are online.
Step 13: You should appeal to your parent.
If you can, talk to your other parent or a close friend or sibling of your mother to see if they can help you reach out to her.They can have a private conversation with your mom.If your parents are separated, you might want to consider living with the other parent.
Step 14: You can find a mental outlet.
Teen parents become socially distant from their peers.Depression and other mental health problems can be caused by this.If you want to remain healthy and happy, try to pick up new hobbies that you can do from home.These can be online social groups.Writing in a journal is one of the ways you might consider.
Step 15: A five-year plan can be created.
It can take a long time to become independent, but the best way to do that is to create a plan for the future.Your counselor can help you through this process.If you are a student at a school, there is a career counseling department that can help you.Make a plan to get you to where you want to be in five years.You can start by making a list of ten steps.If you want to graduate college, get a job, find your own apartment, or pay for quality child care, you can do that.Break each goal into small steps.If you want to get a degree, you should research local programs, find part-time solutions, apply for financial aid, and build a schedule around your child's needs.If you start working now, you will have made significant progress on your goals, even if you don't achieve all of them within five years.
Step 16: You can apply for part-time jobs.
A part-time job will allow you to start earning money while giving you flexibility.If you earn your own money, you will be able to earn financial dependence away from your mom.Retail stores and restaurants are good places to start looking for a job.If your mother is against you getting a job, have a talk with her.She might be concerned about the cost of child care.Tell her how important it is for you to earn your own money.It is good for your child to see you working hard and trying to improve yourself.
Step 17: There are ways to pursue an education.
It can be difficult to graduate as a young parent, but a good education will help you get better jobs and a more independent lifestyle.If this is not possible for you, you can look at other options that can allow you to work, raise a child, and study at the same time.If there are special high school courses or drop-out prevention programs for teen parents, check with your school district.GEDs and high school diplomas can be obtained through online virtual schools.If you can't arrange child care during school hours, this is a great option.Community College costs less than traditional college.You can transfer to a four-year university to get a bachelor's degree after two years.Vocational training or an apprenticeship can be used if you don't want to go to school.
Step 18: Consider your relationship with the child's father.
If you are still in a relationship with the child's father or if the father is involved in their life, you should consider what type of support you can expect from him as you transition to an independent living situation.Are you still in a relationship?Are you on friendly terms?Is the father involved in the child's life?What support does he give the child?Does the father's family make a difference in the upbringing of the child?Would it be possible to live with him and his family?Is it possible for the father to watch the child while you are working or studying?
Step 19: Financial aid is something to look for.
If you are going to transition into a financially independent situation, you should look for other sources of financial support outside of your family.If you are eligible for certain types of support, you should check with your local government.You can apply for assistance in the US through the PAF, Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children, or the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families.You can apply for any of these grants by contacting your local Department of Social and Health Services.Child benefits, child tax credits, income support, a Sure Start Maternity Grant, and Healthy Start vouchers are available to both you and your parents in the UK.You can apply to your local council.You can be eligible for social assistance in Canada.If the father doesn't contribute to the upbringing of the child, you may want to take him to court for child support.
Step 20: If your relationship gets worse, find alternative living arrangements.
If your mother is threatening to kick you out and you don't have enough money to move into your own place, you may need to find a temporary living situation for you and your child.If you have a good relationship with the child's father, you might be able to stay with him and his family.Ask your friends and family members if they would be willing to take you in for a short period of time.It is possible to find a roommate to help cover the costs of rent and utilities.Make sure to inspect everyone who will be living with you and your child.Check to see if there is a Covenant House in your city.In the US, Canada, and Central America, Covenant House offers programs for homeless mothers and children.