If you have a bad mother, you may wish you could choose your family.You have more of a say in the relationship you have with your mother as an adult than when you were a child.Establish appropriate boundaries with your mom.Work to heal any unresolved issues that may have been caused by a difficult mom.It's important to lean on other people in your life for support.
Step 1: Be aware and avoid her actions.
Years of dealing with a bad mother may have taught you how to deal with her.Learning to side-step your mom's triggers can help improve your interactions with her.If your mom constantly berates you about your career choice, you might choose to avoid that subject whenever you are around her.It's unfair to have to shut off parts of your life from conversation, but it may be the only way to get through interactions with your mom.
Step 2: You can choose a method of contact.
It can be difficult to maintain a relationship with your mom.Think about how often you can deal with her and modify your contact accordingly.You might only talk to her on certain days when you are not stressed out.You could limit in-person visits and stay in touch through telephone or internet.
Step 3: Say how her actions affect you.
Sometimes, parents don't know how their behavior makes their kids feel, and they're not aware of her actions.Tell your mom what she does that makes you upset.Making her aware of these things can be very useful.Mom, it hurts me when you criticize my husband.You go out of your way to find his bad qualities.
Step 4: Let your boundaries be known.
Which actions of hers affect you?It is time to set clear boundaries to decrease those actions.If the behavior continues, include what she does and what you will do if it continues.You might say that you need to stop bad-mouthing Michael.If you don't write down your boundaries before sharing them with your mom, I will stop sharing information about my personal life with you.Maybe you don't know how to set boundaries if you've never thought about it.It's a good idea to learn about setting boundaries.
Step 5: Follow through with consequences
Setting boundaries is difficult because they are only effective if you follow through.You have to be willing to do it if it's necessary.If you told her that you would stop visiting as often, she would have to do that.Do not allow your mother to guilt-trip you into changing your boundaries.Stand firm.Don't respond if she acts out in anger.
Step 6: See a therapist.
A therapist can help you learn how to set healthy boundaries.Your therapist can help you work through your feelings and build healthier ways to relate to your mom and others.Your therapist can help you develop conflict resolution skills and learn how to ask for support in your life.If a therapist isn't a viable option, you might want to check out a self-help book.The skills taught in this type of therapy are emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness.
Step 7: Self-care should be done regularly.
Dealing with a toxic mom can be difficult.Your mother may leave you feeling misunderstood.Creating a self-care practice of pleasant activities that you do for yourself will help you nurture your emotional health.If you want to clear your mind, you might start walking on a nature trail each morning.You can take a luxurious bath with oils or scented candles or cuddle up by the fireplace with a cup of tea and a good book.Self-care is any activity or practice that helps you nourish yourself.
Step 8: Is it better to cut ties with her?
It may be difficult to decide if it is best to maintain a relationship with your mom.Your mental health and well-being can be affected by a toxic parent.You may have to make the hard choice to get some distance if her behavior doesn't improve.Don't make this decision lightly.Take some time to think about what it would be like to not have a relationship with your mom.You can write down your thoughts in a journal.Seek the help of your friends.
Step 9: Consider the lessons you have learned.
It's hard to come out of a bad relationship with your mom.You can use the experience to your advantage.It is possible that your mother's desire to control your life caused you to fight for what you really wanted.You are less likely to allow a lover or a friend to control your life as a result.You are willing to stand up for what you believe in.Learning to manage your mom has given you many qualities and habits.You can use these to create a new positive story for yourself.When parenting your own children, be aware of the mistakes your mother made.
Step 10: You can change your self-talk.
If you have grown up with a bad mother, you may have created a negative narrative about yourself.It may be true to say things like "I don't deserve to be happy" or "No one will ever love me".Negative statements won't make you feel better.If you want to make more positive statements, you need to revise your self-talk.If you deal with a lot of negative self-talk, it is better to start with neutral self talk.It is easier to switch from negative to positive if you first go neutral.Negative thoughts can enter your mind when someone comments on your appearance like, "I know that's not true, I know I'm ugly."If someone is going out of their way to compliment me, they probably aren't lying.
Step 11: You can modify your parenting style.
It can make you feel useless as a parent if you have a difficult mother.If you want to build healthy relationships with your own kids, you need to work with a family therapist.You might want to check-in with your partner or co-parent and your kids often to make sure those habits haven't rubbed off.If your kids need to talk about how you parent, encourage them to come to you.Set realistic expectations so they are not disappointed when your mother can't deliver, and encourage them to develop a relationship with you.
Step 12: If you have your father and siblings, strengthen your relationships.
You can build other positive relationships if you have a toxic mom.Start with your family.If you have siblings or a father, strengthen your bond.Talk to them about the situation with your mother.Ask them how they deal with such treatment.
Step 13: Contribute to supportive friends.
When you don't have enough support from your mother, you need a positive support group.You may be tempted to push others away, but don't.Ask your friends to help you take your mind off things, or talk about what you are feeling.Your friends can become a second family to you eventually.Negative effects of having a toxic parent can be mitigated by positive social support.
Step 14: There is a role model.
Another way to counteract the stress of having a bad mom is to look to another adult for guidance.Think about figures in your community who are different from your mom.Ask them if they are willing to mentor you, or form a casual relationship with them.Good role models include teachers, coaches, community leaders, bosses, or older relatives.