On the other hand, addressing old rifts in the family can be difficult.You risk losing valuable family bonds if you let past wounds go undetected.Rather than allowing them to get worse, learn how to repair the damage and make it stronger.It may seem like confronting family members and addressing the issue directly is the most logical way to do this, but there are other options you can choose, such as writing a letter, extending a direct apology, or practicing more productive and open communication in the future.
Step 1: You can meet in person.
Face-to-face meetings can help bridge old rifts and improve communication.If you have ongoing conflict and you're a tight-knit family, you might want to hold a weekly or biweekly meeting where everyone gets together to talk.This will allow everyone to express themselves and keep up with current issues.Getting together in person is rare because many families are dispersed across a wide range of geographical boundaries.It is possible to talk over the phone or video chat.If the next occurrence is a few months away, you can use the intervening time to organize your thoughts and plan a peaceful confrontation.Don't use the holidays as a time to work out your problems if your family only gets together once a year.When people feel that their holidays are ruined and resentful of whoever they feel is responsible, they can become more emotional and irrational.It can make people dread the holidays as they come to associate them with stress and fighting.If you want to talk about serious issues during the holidays, find another time to do so.
Step 2: The discussion should have ground rules.
Conflicts that are deeply personal can get heated quickly.It's almost impossible to reach a productive resolution if you have excessive emotion, so you should try to keep things calm.Establish a general code of conduct which forbids certain destructive behaviors, such as interrupt, bringing up unrelated quarrels, and name-calling.It is possible to get the other party's input on the rules so they don't feel like you are just lecturing them.If you have a friend or relative who is disinterested in the discussion, it can be easier to regulate it.If you have a big family with many other family members, you'll probably want to schedule a special appointment or time when the other parties can meet and talk.The interference from relatives will be avoided.
Step 3: You can express yourself with love.
You might think that everyone in the family knows how much you love them, but this isn't true.When love isn't articulated, people feel neglected, so you should make sure to say it often, especially during an argument.Make sure to state your side of the story in explicit terms.Positive memories and good times you've shared throughout the discussion are a good way to do this.You will be amazed at how quickly these feel-good throwbacks will bring everyone together."I love you and the reason I'm bringing this up is because our relationship is so valuable to me."
Step 4: Listen.
If you use the time when others are speaking to plan responses, you won't make any progress in the confrontation.Listening to others' feelings and words with an open mind is what you should be doing.When you need clarification, ask questions and repeat key points back to the person.You can show you're attentive and concerned with understanding them by doing this.You can give small feedback gestures like nodding, leaning in, and light touches on the arm in order to make the other person feel taken care of.You could say, "What I'm hearing you say is... Is that right?"
Step 5: Agree to move forward.
A mutual, explicit consensus that you're all going to make an effort to move forward is perhaps the most important part of healing conflict.The agreement shifts the focus of old wounds to the future while also acknowledging that this past cannot be changed."Now that we've talked about this, let's agree to let this issue go and concentrate on improving our future behavior and relationship."It is possible to write out a list of behaviors and words that you both agree to avoid in the future.To remind everyone not to slip back into old habits and aggressions, there are things like "no passive aggressive texts," "everyone must extend invitations to all family events," and "No venting to mutual friends or family members."It can be difficult to change ingrained behaviors when no one is perfect.People are forgiven when they slip up.
Step 6: Stay in touch with us.
Try to speak or write to each other more often.You can remind one another how much you care with this small effort.It will boost your psychological well-being and amplify your sense of satisfaction from unrelated aspects of life.A brief text every few days saying, "Hello, how are you?" or "Thinking of you!" can be used to communicate.Taking an interest in the other person and asking about their life, not just sharing your own information, is important to show that you care about them.
Step 7: Take stock of your wrongdoing and guilt.
If you have done something offensive to your family, the first thing you need to do is acknowledge your fault, reflect on the reasons for your behavior, and what impact it has had on everyone.When you eventually deliver your apology to injured family members, you will be able to make it more meaningful and effective.You need to analyze the underlying motives behind your desire to apologize.A genuine apology can't be contingent on swift forgiveness, so if you're not ready to make a sincere apology, you should reconsider.
Step 8: Apologize.
If you've gathered your thoughts and feel ready to apologize to your loved ones, it's time to do it.You can either do it in person or in a letter.No matter what method you choose, the most important thing is to be direct, accept accountability without dodging blame or rationalizing, and show you have thought about the impact of your actions.Don't say, "I'm so sorry for hurting your feelings."I never intended to hurt you, and I was really upset about what you said to me.Say, "I'm so sorry for what I did!"Allow the other parties to explain how they were hurt by your behavior, because I want you to know how regretful I am.Being able to forgive someone is dependent on feeling heard.It's a lot of work to listen to someone without interruption, defend yourself, or make excuses.
Step 9: Emphasize that you want to make things right.
If the apology only focuses on the past, it will be hollow.You should also promise never to repeat the same offense if you want your compunction to ring true.You are not just extending a flimsy excuse, but you are going to work at fixing your behavior in the future.To demonstrate that you've thought about how to amend and avoid personal pitfalls, be as specific and concrete as possible.Say something like, "I feel terrible about what I said and promise not to repeat it" if you are apologizing for gossiping and saying malicious things about a family member.I have started writing a journal or seeing a therapist in order to deal with my problems in more productive ways because I think I was using these texts to vent about other things and frustrations in my life.
Step 10: Accept that it takes time to heal and forgive.
You want your family to forgive you for what you've done, but you need to manage your expectations.You're not owed forgiveness if your family takes as much time as they need to think about your apology.If you've also been hurt by your family members, you should be aware of your own right to take time before accepting and forgiveness.It's a good idea to include the lack of expectations in your apology.This will show your family that you're not putting too much pressure on them.Say something like, "No matter how you respond to my apology, I need to express my sincere regret."I want you to forgive me, but I have no right to expect this from you, so take your time and know I'm here to talk whenever you're ready.
Step 11: You can get help from a licensed professional.
If you have a serious family wound, such as childhood abuse or neglect, you should deal with it as soon as possible.If you keep suppressing it, you will find that your ability to love and trust other people will suffer.For serious problems, you should seek the help of a therapist.A licensed professional can help you figure out how to move on from the past.If you have health insurance, your provider should tell you which doctors and services they cover.There are online databases that can help you find professionals in your area.
Step 12: Determine your goals for recovery.
When reflecting on the impact a betrayal or trauma has had on your life, have your therapist help you identify your objectives for the process.Do you want to eventually forgive your family member?Do you want to find a way to get over the past so that it doesn't affect your life in the future?Your goals should not include getting an apology or even recognition from the person who hurt you.
Step 13: Do things that make you happy.
If you believe you are a worthy of respect and happiness, you'll be able to acknowledge your pain and get over any associated shame.It is possible to build self-esteem by investing time and energy in your interests.The benefits of physical activities like jogging, swimming, or team sports are many.Creative activities such as painting or writing will help you to express your feelings and feel a sense of accomplishment, as well as helping you recover from family trauma.
Step 14: Strong relationships are built with others.
It's easier to get over a troubled family past if you build trust with your friends.It will increase your self-esteem, improve your mental health and even boost your physical health, all while proving that you aren't dependent on nuclear family ties.Making time for personal conversations, trust-building activities, and attending one another's special events can strengthen existing friendships.
Step 15: You can write a letter or make a phone call.
One of the best ways to get closure is to write a letter and express your feelings in an unaired way.You will feel a sense of relief if the other person doesn't claim accountability or even reply to the letter.You may have decided not to address the family member directly.You can still take advantage of the therapeutic benefits by writing a letter.It's possible to say all the things you've always wanted without putting yourself in a vulnerable position.
Step 16: Please forgive.
You might want to consider forgiveness for the sake of your own mental and emotional wellbeing if you intend to never see or speak to the offending family member again.Forgiveness can help you let go of the past and feel liberated.A plan for forgiveness that doesn't compromise your progress can be created by your therapist.
Step 17: Know when it's time to end the relationship.
It may be necessary to break up your relationship with an abusive family member.If you experience pressure from other family members to have a relationship with the person, it is even harder to protect yourself from an abuse within the family.This can be very difficult and complicated, so get the help of a therapist to plan how to do it.You may want to tell your family why you are ending the relationship.Sometimes family members will not believe what you are saying.Your therapist can help you with this.If other family members are siding with your abuser, you may need to remove them from your life as well.
Step 18: The family is unique.
It will be easier to build a better future for your family if you know how special they are.Look at your family's quirks, complicated dramas, and unconventional structure as special strengths and reminders of how much you mean to them.It's important to remember that no matter how perfect other families may seem, every family has its own problems.
Step 19: The focus should be on the present.
You shouldn't belabor the past and let it dominate the present because it's important to acknowledge past problems and conflicts.It will prolong old problems and delay healing in the present.Establish a common family rule to leave the past behind and focus on positive behaviors and supportiveness in the present in order to show everyone you're serious about this principle.New memories can be helpful.If old traditions are hard to break, try new things together as a family.A concrete way to stop belaboring the past is to not bring up past resentments.If you're arguing with a family member about a loan which hasn't been paid back to you in the agreed time frame, stop using past money issues.If the same thing happens again, make a policy to never lend money to that family member again.
Step 20: Positive and vocal about the progress you've made.
While old family wounds can take time to heal, you should remind each other how far you have come and what positive steps you've taken.This way you won't feel like you're slipping back into old behaviors because the process has been futile.Send a text after a family member shows up to a concert or basketball game that you appreciated their presence and support.If you see a family member making an effort to use nice words in disagreements, compliment them on their effort and show your appreciation.
Step 21: Love is demonstrated.
Conflicts are unavoidable, but you can minimize their damage by spotlighting the love and deep bonds among one another.Don't just articulate your love, but also perform actions which demonstrate it.Give small presents such as hand-picked flowers, favorite candies or cookies, and little seasonal knick-knacks for no particular reason.Being of service in simple ways can show that you care.Drop into your family member's workplace just to say hello, make dinner for the family, or offer to help with a computer bug, for example, if you bring over morning coffee and bagels.Physical affection is the most important sign of love.It's a person by person basis, but you may consider hugs and handshakes.
Step 22: There are times to laugh.
Laughter has been shown to have numerous mental and physical health benefits, and you'll be surprised how much of a positive impact it can have on your family dynamic.If you're planning a family gathering, make sure it's fun.You can rent a funny film, play a side-splitting board game, or see a comedy show with your friends.