How To Spend Time with Difficult Parents As an Adult
Being an adult child of a difficult parent requires patience and sometimes sainthood.You don't want to drive yourself crazy if you have a relationship with them.If you create boundaries, set realistic expectations, and protect yourself, it is possible to have your parents stay in your life in a pleasant and peaceful manner.
Step 1: Establish emotional boundaries.
Parents who are difficult tend to nit-pick.Tell them that certain subjects are off limits.If you bend, your parents will be able to walk all over you.You can say to your parents, "I am raising my children the best way I know how."I don't want to talk about how I raise them with you.If we don't discuss that topic, I would appreciate it.
Step 2: Allow for physical boundaries.
Are your parents pushing their way into your life?Do they show up without warning, call multiple times a day, and expect you to attend every event they have and come over whenever they need you?It is time to create rules if that is the case.You could tell your parents to give you at least a day's notice.They are allowed to call once a day, but not anymore.You do not want to hear grief when you can.The type of relationship that works for you can be established by setting these boundaries.
Step 3: Give options.
They may resist or resent your help if you are taking care of a mentally or physically ill parent.Allowing them to help in some decisions when it comes to their lives is one way to get around this.Giving them options may improve their attitude.If possible, try to foster an open discussion so that everyone feels heard.Allow them to decide what days of the week they take a shower, visit the doctor, or engage in any other activity.They can help pick out clothes and what to eat.They may be less difficult to deal with if they have a sense of purpose.Allowing options helps older adults maintain their independence.They want to be their own person.You are giving a sense of self-control by providing options.
Step 4: Encourage your parents to tell the truth.
It can be difficult for parents to agree to something they don't want to do.They act resentful during the process because they have an attitude.If you want to fight this, tell them to be honest with you.When you ask them to do something, please be completely honest with me.If you want to do something, tell me no.It is not enjoyable for anyone involved.It is possible that your parents aren't directly vocal about why they are being difficult.Try to get to the underlying reason of their displeasure by asking them questions.
Step 5: Determine what you want from the relationship.
You have to decide what your end goal is before you start working on your relationship.You will need to determine if what you want is realistic.Attempting to have a relationship or need fulfilled that is impossible will cause a lot of pain for you.If your parents treat you badly, expecting them to do a 180 is pointless.Wanting them to be respectful of your life choices is a more realistic goal.
Step 6: The bar should be set low.
Having low expectations for your parents' change is where you should start if you're already at your breaking point and can't see your relationship getting any worse than it already is.It is possible to stop additional hurt from occurring if you prepare yourself for the worst.You may be pleasantly surprised if your parents do more than you think.If you want to spend more time with your parents, set a goal of one extra visit per month.If your parents do not follow through with their promises, starting off small will be a disappointment.
Step 7: Accept what you get.
You are not going to change your parents.Attempting to change them, the past, or anything else will only make the situation worse.Accept the small improvements that may occur, or accept that nothing will happen.At least you tried.
Step 8: Visits should be short.
If your parents are difficult, you can keep your visits short and sweet.Don't worry, the weekend stay will go smoothly.They can't get under your skin if you set parameters.Whenever you come home, you can arrange to visit with other family and friends.If you have to cut the visit short, your parents will be more understanding.It is possible to stay in a hotel instead of bunking at their house and rent a car so that you can find activities around town when you and your parent need a break.
Step 9: Someone who keeps you calm should be with you.
Sometimes a supportive friend can be just what you need.If you have a friend or partner who understands your family dynamic, it may be a good idea to bring them with you to visit.This person can help minimize your parents' acting out.When things get tense, they can make you laugh or change the subject."Would you be willing to go with me to visit my parents next weekend?"I need someone to talk to.I will give you a nice dinner.
Step 10: If you are able to, forgive.
It is possible to take a burden off of you if you forgive your parents for their past mistakes.It is possible for you to let go of the hurt and grief you have held onto.Those who hold grudges are the ones who get hurt.If you have trouble with forgiveness, talk to your religious advisor or therapist.They might be able to lead you to the path of letting go.
Step 11: You can go to therapy together or separately.
You may be able to repair your relationship with your parents by talking to a therapist.It may help you to accept what happened and move on.You could improve your relationship by having your parents attend a session with you.You could say, "I really want to repair our relationship" when approaching your parents.In the past and present, what we have done isn't working.If they don't want to go, just accept their decision and go alone.
Step 12: Do you think the relationship is worth it?
It's the healthiest thing to walk away from a relationship.If your parents are toxic and trying to be in their lives only causes pain and hardship for you, cutting ties may be the best decision.You have to think long and hard before you cut someone out.Before you cut your parent out of your life, be aware of the consequences.Think about how it will affect you and your family.If the burden is worth it, decide if you will feel guilty for doing it.It is possible to release resentment and hatred by cutting ties.Carefully consider the pros and cons before making a big decision.
Step 13: Resist the urge to act.
People are difficult because of your reaction.You may give your parents the satisfaction they need to continue the behavior if you know that they were able to get under your skin and upset.Instead of reacting, simply acknowledge what they say or do.Your mature responses may be what it takes for them to stop.It would be helpful to take inventory and see if you are acting difficult.Being difficult with others can make them react in kind to you.
Step 14: Talk to your siblings.
If you have siblings, they have the same relationship with your parents.Ask them how they cope.They might be able to show you how they deal with your parents.It's possible to be sounding boards for each other.You could say, "I have a hard time dealing with my parents when they are difficult."Is it possible that they act this way with you?If you're going through the same thing, how do you handle it?