Humans talk about themselves about 30% of the time.That's a lot.Studies have shown that talking about ourselves increases activity in the same part of the brain that processes pleasure.Half the battle is knowing how our brains work.You can control the how once you know why.
Step 1: Don't forget to watch your vocabulary.
You may not be having a conversation if you are using the words I, me, and my.You might only be talking about yourself.When you're speaking to others, concentrate on this.The only way to stop a behavior is to recognize it."I agree, I hear what you're saying, or I would suggest approaching the issue this way" are examples of exceptions.Using appropriate "I" statements shows you're interested and that conversations are a two-way street.A rubber band is a great way to remember.If you catch yourself using any of these words, snap the rubber band.It may hurt, but it's a proven psychological method.When talking to friends, begin practicing these steps.Ask them to tell you if you missed a step, as friends will always be there for you.
Step 2: Pay attention to who is telling the story.
If a person is telling you a story about something that happened to them, remember that it's their story and not yours.He is sharing something important to him.
Step 3: Don't shift the focus to you.
The transition to the next phase is natural.It's natural to work on transitions after learning not to use "I," "me," and "mine."It is easy to shift focus to yourself.If your friend's telling you about her new SUV and how it makes her feel safe, don't immediately begin talking about how you prefer a more elegant vehicle and then go off about your Mercedes.Say something like, "That's interesting."I like the safety, style, and elegance of a sedan.Do you think SUVs are safer than sedans?This shows you are interested in your friend's opinion.
Step 4: References to yourself should be brief.
It's impossible to not talk about yourself during the course of the conversation.You shouldn't be talking about yourself 100% of the time, but you should be listening.When this happens, try redirecting the conversation away from you and your partner.If your friend asks what kind of car you drive, you may say: "I drive a hybrid."It saves on gas and there are other perks.Have you ever considered owning one?The response throws the question back to your friend.You've made your friend the conversation's first point of contact.
Step 5: There are ways to get your thoughts heard.
It's important to be a good and active listener, but you also need to speak your mind.If you want to reduce the amount of talk about yourself, you can try things like open mic events and submitting essays or reports.This encourages you to think about what you're saying rather than just talking about it.
Step 6: Competition is not the best way to practice cooperation.
It's not a problem to see who gets to talk about themselves or who does the most talking.When you were a kid, you played with toys and games.The same thing is said in a conversation.Let your friend talk if it's your turn.Since a conversation is a two-way-street, but allow your friend equal time to talk about himself, giving you your full attention, you'll have your turn.Don't try to convince the person that your idea is right.Try to learn and grow from what he's saying.Don't use the conversation to serve your own agenda.You are on the same team trying to find an answer.Sports conversations are more enjoyable when you're talking to each other.
Step 7: What you can learn is what you should look for.
"You can't learn anything new if you're talking" is an old saying.You know what you think.You must allow others to state their point of view.When talking about dinner, you could say: "I prefer ordering tapas to entree because I get to taste a variety of the chef's offerings."Which one do you prefer?Allow them to respond.Why do you think that's interesting?You can keep probing her reasoning, so that you can understand why she thinks, feels, or believes what she does.
Step 8: Ask probing questions.
If you're asking well thought out questions, you can't talk about yourself.The other person is the focal point.To an entirely new level, look for what you can learn.This will keep your conversation partner as the focal point and will allow him to dive more deeply into his knowledge/feelings/beliefs which will strengthen the connection.When he answers your question, be in the moment.This mindset allowing further questions will result in a very positive experience for all involved.
Step 9: The world looks through your eyes.
This may sound like the opposite of what you're trying to learn, but there's a difference between talking about yourself and your world view.Say something like "I see the two-party system as limiting our choices and narrowing the potential for alternative voices and points of view in our political system."Then ask yourself: "How do you see this working in our government?"When you put your unique point of view out there, use what you've learned in your conversation so far to get your discussion partner to agree with you.Then ask probing questions to learn more about his point of view.On a higher level, this is how to converse about ideas.
Step 10: Credit is offered.
It's like a credit card.Would the person you're talking to be happy if you gave them money for their opinion or guidance?They would feel good about themselves.They wouldn't feel bad if you gave them the credit.Thank the person for their advice.Tell the people you're with if your friend recommends a restaurant.Isn't it great?When it's necessary, always give credit for success.You might say something like "I have a great team working with me; they make it all happen" if you did well on a project at work.
Step 11: Affirmative of other people.
It takes selflessness and an ability to recognize the strengths of others to do this.It makes your conversation partner feel good about talking to you because you will also be saying good things about her.Doesn't Gina look stunning in that dress?It is just incredible.It pales in comparison to her wit.Evelyn's thoughts on the global warming issue are very insightful and full of potential solutions.Why don't we join her?I think you'll like her.
Step 12: Listen in the art of listening.
It is an art to really listen.It requires you to stop thinking and focus on what the other person is saying.You can melt away thanks to this effort.You don't need to talk about yourself anymore.If your conversation partner puts the ball in your court, you will not speak.You will return the ball to her and go back to listening.
Step 13: Try listening techniques that are active.
If you want to respond to the speaker, you have to fully concentrate on what the other person is saying.When you finish paraphrasing, you can add a little something by using different phrases: which means that, so then, that would require, etc., and then add your thoughts on what happens next.Non-verbal signals like nodding your head, smiling, and other facial/physical expressions let the other person know you're engaged and have feelings about everything he's saying.
Step 14: Ask questions.
Additional questions that give your conversation partner more time to talk about her subject are also important.These are sometimes called "yes or no" questions.The line of questioning stops when they're answered in one way or the other.Questions that are open-ended.These allow your conversation partner to expand on what she's already said and give you a morerounded knowledge of her topic."How do you see..." is one of the questions that starts with phrases.
Step 15: Affirm what your conversation partner says.
It depends on what you've been talking about.It is either a personal or general validation.It takes a lot of courage to admit things like that.That is one of the most insightful analyses I've ever seen.