It can be difficult to tell your spouse that you want a divorce.This is an important discussion and it is important to make sure you and your spouse are on the same page.You can talk to your spouse in a respectful way when you are ready.
Step 1: You should ask yourself some questions.
It's a good idea to be clear on what you want to say when you're talking about divorce with your spouse.Before talking to your spouse, be clear about what you want and why.The decision will affect a lot of things.Before talking about this with your spouse, consider these things carefully.What are the positives and negatives of each option, and what is the emotional impact of the divorce?"What do I want?" is one of the questions to consider.What are the reasons for the divorce?How will this affect the family?Ask where I will live.Will I be able to manage my finances?What will we do with the kids?
Step 2: Accept your doubts.
It is not possible to know if you are making the right decision in asking for a divorce.You might think that you are being hasty or not considering all of the factors.It is not possible to know which decision is best.Don't rush to make a decision.You should note your feelings and see how they change over time.Trust that feeling if you remain steadfast in your desire for a divorce.Give yourself some time to think about the decision or talk to a friend.If you start asking for more reassurance from others, you should stop.It is your choice to make.Wait a few days to see how you feel after you ask yourself, "Is this decision emotionally driven?"The decision should be made rationally.
Step 3: Determine your spouse's awareness of your unhappiness.
You may be surprised by your request for a divorce if your spouse knows you are unhappy.It may be harder for your spouse to accept the divorce if you take him or her by surprise.If you think your spouse will be shocked, don't be surprised if he or she tries to talk you out of it.If you are unsure about your marriage, talk about the problems first.Don't expect your spouse to know what you want or need.
Step 4: Give yourself time to talk.
It's a good idea to choose a quiet time to talk.Make sure that you don't have to run off for an obligation when planning a time to talk.Make sure the kids are out of the house.You can talk without distraction when you are at home.
Step 5: You should be prepared to feel uncomfortable.
It's not a good idea to tell your spouse that you want a divorce.This will be a very uncomfortable discussion that will make you uneasy.It will feel this way if you accept the pain.It is not a valid reason to delay telling your spouse you want a divorce.Deep breathing can calm your body and mind.Deep breathing can help you relax.
Step 6: Your spouse will be emotional.
Your spouse may feel a range of emotions after hearing the news.He or she may ask you why you would do this to them.You may be accused of being selfish by your spouse.Your spouse may be sad, cry, and feel abandoned.Your spouse may also be relieved if he or she feels the same way.Your spouse will have an emotional response.Prepare yourself for the emotions and ask yourself how you will handle them.Don't respond with more reactivity if your spouse is emotionally reactive.Don't plan what you're going to say next, practice active listening by intently listening to your spouse talk.There is a book called How to Be Less Emotional.
Step 7: Let go of the blame.
Don't get sucked into discussions about fault, blame, or wrongdoing before you have the discussion.At this point, these are irrelevant.Talking about the past won't solve the problems but may add to them.Take ownership of your feelings and take responsibility for your actions.Instead of discussing these issues, focus on communicating your needs for the future.Agree that both of your actions contributed to the demise of the marriage.No one person is to blame.Use the words "I" and "you" to avoid blame speech.There is a difference between saying, "You let me down too many times" and "I feel abandoned and forgotten by you"If you think the discussion will turn into blaming or fault- finding, find a way to stop it.It's irrelevant to our divorce and I don't want to discuss blame or fault.We should focus on the future and end this civilly.
Step 8: You should be clear on what you want.
If you want a divorce, be firm.Don't hesitate or be wishy-washy.Say "Yes, I want a divorce" and stick to it.Say these needs first if you want something else or unsure about the divorce.This can be confusing to your spouse if you give unclear signals.If you know it will hurt your spouse, be clear.Maybe you want a separation in your marriage.If you want therapy or more attention, but don't want a divorce first, then ask for these changes first.I feel like our marriage isn't working, but I'm not ready to give up yet.If you are ready for a divorce, say so clearly.You can say, "This is a difficult conversation to have, but I need to tell you that I want a divorce."I think you are aware of how difficult this relationship has been, because I have struggled with this for some time.I believe this is the best decision for this marriage because I have spent a lot of time thinking about it.I believe we can get through this and be decent, reasonable, and mature from this point forward, even though I know this will be painful and difficult for all of us.
Step 9: Let your spouse talk.
The discussion should not be dominated by one person.Allow your spouse to talk about his or her feelings.It is important that you do not interrupt or cut off your spouse.Allow your spouse to speak freely.Make sure you understand how your spouse feels.To reflect understanding, say, "I hear you say that you are unhappy too, and that although you feel sad, you agree this is the right thing."Is that right?
Step 10: Show kindness and respect.
This is not the time to blame your spouse or tell them everything that has gone wrong between them.You are talking about your feelings and need for a divorce.It is likely that your spouse is a bit caught off guard, as it is an uncomfortable discussion for you.Through the entire discussion, treat your spouse with compassion and respect.It is not easy for your spouse, just as it is for you.The way you treat your spouse can set the tone for the divorce.Stay calm with your spouse.If your spouse is angry, say, "I know this is difficult, and I can understand why you are angry."It is important that we be respectful to one another.
Step 11: Be fair and reasonable.
Show that you're willing to be fair and reasonable in the divorce proceedings by talking about it.Discuss with your spouse that you want things to be respectful and address their needs before you file for divorce.This can help set the tone for the rest of the divorce.I don't want drama to follow us after this divorce.I want you to know that I'm willing to be reasonable about how we move forward, and I hope you do the same.