Being in a controlling relationship can be difficult.A controlling spouse can limit the other spouse's activities.Depending on how serious the controlling behaviors are, you may be able to work with your spouse to improve your marriage.If the behavior is very serious or doesn't improve with counseling, you may need to end your relationship with your controlling partner in order to regain your independence.
Step 1: Don't be upset. Stay calm.
Many people argue because of their spouse's controlling behavior.This tactic will only escalate the situation because a controlling person is unlikely to allow you to win the argument.Stay calm and collected, instead of arguing.You can disagree with your spouse.Say something like, "I see your perspective, but have you considered this?" if you feel that you need to disagree with your spouse.That's not right.My idea is better.If you find that agreeing with your partner is best, but you don't have to submit to the controlling behavior, you can do this.While still taking your spouse's opinions into account, you may take the initiative to make your own decision.
Step 2: The controller should be asked to develop a plan.
You may be able to use your spouse's tendency to control as a way of resolving minor issues in your relationship.Explain the issue to your spouse and ask them to come up with a plan to solve the problem.When describing the problem to your spouse, be specific.Say something like "I feel that you micromanage my activities and don't trust me to get things done on my own" instead of saying "You are too controlling."This strategy may not work if your spouse doesn't acknowledge that there is a problem.
Step 3: Don't be judgmental.
Try to see things from your spouse's perspective when he or she tries to control you.Try to understand why your spouse may be acting this way.If your spouse acts controlling, this may help you avoid becoming angry.This technique should help you understand your spouse's behavior, but you should never use it to excuse disrespectful behavior.
Step 4: Constructive questions can be asked.
If your spouse starts to criticize or question you, you can respond quickly by asking the right questions.The controlling spouse should be asked if their expectations are unreasonable or not.You could ask, "Did you explain to me exactly what you wanted me to do?"I am going to walk away if you don't respect me.Is that what you want?This will enhance the controlling behaviors, so don't get defensive.
Step 5: You should be prepared for a denial.
They don't know they're controlling.Many controllers feel like they are being controlled, which may explain why they want to be assertive.It will take some time to convince a spouse that they are controlling, if you are dealing with one who is habitually over-controlling.When having this conversation, be respectful.You shouldn't attack your spouse's character if you want to save your marriage.Focus on the actions or situations that upset you.In explaining what you mean by controlling, use as many examples as possible.
Step 6: Allow for boundaries to be set.
You will need to make it very clear what you are willing to tolerate when you have a conversation with your spouse about controlling behavior.Explain to your spouse what kind of behavior needs to be corrected.You may want to make a list of the biggest problems and have a discussion with your spouse about what you can do to avoid them in the future.It is possible that your spouse will think you are controlling as well, so be open to listening to any boundaries that they might propose.
Step 7: Comply with consequences.
Your spouse may need to be reminded of your limits every so often, so it's a good idea to decide what kind of behaviors warrant consequences and what those consequences will be.This should only apply to major crimes.Your spouse may benefit from a reminder of your boundaries.Don't use consequences too much.Privileges or affection are held as a consequence of offending people.It may have to be serious.If your spouse doesn't treat you with respect over the next month, you may decide to leave the house.
Step 8: Counseling is a good place toseek it.
If your spouse is unwilling to acknowledge the controlling behavior, or if the two of you are unable to correct the issues on your own, consider seeking professional counseling.A professional may be needed to explain what controlling behavior is and how to stop it.Couple's therapy will give you the chance to speak to each other about your problems with the guidance of a professional marriage counselor.Individual therapy can help reveal why your spouse is controlling behavior, such as low self esteem or a traumatic childhood.
Step 9: Don't allow yourself to become isolated.
Many controlling spouses restrict their partners from going out with friends.If this is the case for you, you need to stand up for yourself and let your spouse know that you don't want your other relationships to suffer.Let your spouse know if you need time to pursue your own hobbies or just be by yourself, because you are entitled to time alone as well.It may be easier to encourage your spouse to take up hobbies.If you want to improve your marriage, you should still spend time with your spouse.Do enjoyable activities together to make this time count.
Step 10: If you want to avoid internalizing criticism, you should.
You may start to feel like you did something to deserve the criticism if your spouse puts you down so often.It's important to remember that you deserve the best, and not to take the criticism personally.Internalizing criticism can make you doubt your abilities.If this has happened to you, remind yourself of the goals you once wanted to achieve and dismiss any negative thoughts that your spouse may have planted in your head about your abilities.Taking small steps to free yourself of a controlling spouse is a great way to begin.
Step 11: Don't feel like you're being punished.
Control spouses use guilt to control their partners.It is a tactic that is being used to control you, and you must not allow it to affect your decisions.Some controlling spouses may make their partners feel guilty by complaining about how they will not be able to function if they leave.Other controlling spouses can make their partners feel guilty by making them feel like they owe the controlling spouse something.
Step 12: Stay true to who you are.
Many controlling spouses tell their partners what to think.It's important to stand up for your right to maintain your own opinions and beliefs if they differ from those of your spouse.If you practice a different religion than your spouse, you should still go to services on your own or with family members.Continue to vote based on your own convictions if you have different political beliefs than your spouse.
Step 13: If you are willing to walk away from a relationship, you should.
In some cases, controlling behavior can be corrected and mutual respect can take its place, but it's important to remember that this doesn't always happen.If the relationship is causing you harm, you need to be willing to end it.There should be no tolerance for certain behaviors.Leaving the relationship is the best option if your spouse abuses you.Call a domestic violence hotline if you need help.