It can be very painful to be estranged from your adult son or daughter.It will take time and patience to repair a relationship.If you believe you did anything wrong to cause the estrangement, you should try to get in touch with your son or daughter.Do not push back against your adult child's boundaries, but set your own as well.Accept your adult child for who they are and acknowledge their ability to make their own decisions.
Step 1: What went wrong should be clear.
It's a good idea to find out why your adult child is angry with you.You might be able to get the information from your child, or you might need to find someone who knows the situation.First, find out what the problem is.You will have time to think through your next steps after you have a sense of what went wrong.If you want to ask, reach out to your child.You could say, "Renee, I know you aren't talking to me right now, and I would like to know what I have done to hurt you."Let me know if you can.If you don't want to talk to me, please write or email.If you don't hear back from your son or daughter, you could get in touch with someone who might know what's going on.Have you talked to your sister recently?I can't find out what the problem is because she's not talking to me.While discovering the reason behind the estrangement would be optimal, be aware that you may not be able to find out what is going on.Don't let that stop you from reaching out to your child.
Step 2: Take some time to reflect on yourself.
Think about the reasons behind the estrangement.Was it caused by something from the past?Is there a death in the family or a birth of a child the reason for the rift?You may have been unwilling to communicate with your child for a period of time.Many adult children become estranged from their parents because of their divorce.Even if the divorce was for the best, children from a broken marriage experienced their parents prioritize their happiness over the needs of the child.Parents may speak badly about the other parent not realizing that their children are absorbing everything that is being said.This can affect the type of relationship an adult child has with their parents.If one parent had little to no contact with the child during their formative years.Adult children of divorce may feel like a low priority to their parents.
Step 3: You should put the ball in your own court.
Whether you have done anything wrong or not, parents are generally the ones who have to take the first steps to reconcile with their children.Leave your ego behind as you look past the unfairness of the issue.If you want to reach out to your child, you will need to be the one to do so.Whether your child is fourteen or forty, they still want to know that they are loved and valued by their parents.You are willing to fight for your relationship if you can show you love and value them.If you struggle with the unfairness of the burden of work, keep this in mind.
Step 4: Talk to your child.
If you reach out via phone, email, or letter, it may feel less intrusive to your son or daughter than if you meet them in person.Give them the chance to respond at the time of their choosing, and honor their need for distance.Allow a few days for your child to respond.Before you make a phone call, rehearse what you want to say.You should leave a voicemail as well.You could say, "I would really like for us to talk about how you're feeling."Would you be willing to meet with me in the future?I am so sorry that I have hurt you, and I understand that you are dealing with a lot of pain.I hope you will be willing to meet with me to discuss it.Let me know when you are.I miss you.
Step 5: You can write a letter.
Your child may not want to meet with you.You could write a letter if that is the case.Accept that you understand why they feel the way they do, and apologize for the hurt you have caused.Writing a letter can be therapeutic.It helps regulate your emotions.You can take a lot of time to get your words just the way you want them.Suggest that you meet when they are ready.In the future, I hope that we can get together and talk about this, but I know you are upset right now.My door is always open.
Step 6: Accept the limits that they set.
It is possible that your adult child is open to communicating with you, but not ready for a face-to-face meeting.They may only want to communicate with you on the phone or email.Keep the door open for future encounters while avoiding guilt-tripping your child.If you are in an email-only relationship with your adult child, you could write, "I'm very happy that we are communicating via email these days."I hope we can get to the point where we feel comfortable talking to each other.
Step 7: You should arrange for a meeting.
If your adult child is willing to talk with you in person, you can have a meal together.Sharing a meal in public is a good idea as you will be more likely to hold your emotions in check.Make sure the meeting is only for you and the other person.Do not bring your spouse with you.It is possible that your son or daughter is being ganged up on.
Step 8: Allow your child to lead the conversation.
Don't argue against your child's concerns or be defensive.They might come to your meeting expecting an apology.Do so if you sense that is the case.Once you apologize, you could ask your child to tell you more about what they have been feeling.
Step 9: Don't judge your child.
Even if you disagree with their point of view, remember that it is valid.You remain open to a person's perspective when they feel listened to and understood.A person can be honest in their responses if they listen without judgement and defensiveness.Understand that what you hear may be very upsetting to you, but that your child needs to say it and get their feelings out.I want to understand why I made you feel this way.Can you tell me more?
Step 10: You should shoulder your share of the blame.
You have to acknowledge how you may have contributed to the problem in order to get far in reconciliation.Adult children want their parents to take responsibility for their actions.Whether or not you believe you are correct, be willing to do so.You can't understand why your son or daughter is upset with you.Don't defend your behavior.apologize for causing them pain.Understand where your child is coming from.It doesn't mean you agree with someone, just that you understand their perspective.Resolving conflict can be difficult if you don't understand their perspective.I know I pushed you a lot.I wanted you to succeed.I can understand how you thought I was not happy with you.That is not what I intended, and it isn't true.I can see how my behavior made you think that.
Step 11: Discuss your feelings about the estrangement.
It may seem unfair, but now is not the time to be sad about not being able to communicate with your child.They need some time to deal with their emotions and sort things out.If you bring up your feelings of sadness, anger, and resentment, your adult child may feel less likely to re-enter a relationship.Do not say, "I've been so depressed that you haven't called me" or "Do you know the agony that I have been through?"
Step 12: I apologize.
A good apology must clearly state what you did wrong, express your remorse, and offer to make up for it.If you have hurt your son or daughter, offer a sincere apology.Even if you think your actions are correct, apologize.The point is not whether someone is right or wrong, but your child's pain.You could say, "Tina, I'm so sorry I hurt you."You had to deal with a lot when I was drinking.I made a lot of mistakes in your childhood.Do not make any attempts to justify your action when apologizing, even if you believe you have a legitimate excuse for the action you took."I'm sorry I slapped you five years ago, but I did it because you talked back to me" is not an apology and puts the other person on the defensive.A genuine apology is more effective than someone else's reaction.An effective apology would be, "I'm sorry that my behavior hurt you."I am not sorry if you got hurt.Don't use "if" in an apology.
Step 13: Family therapy can be considered.
In order to discuss your feelings in the presence of a trained professional, you may wish to seek out family therapy with your adult child.A marriage and family therapist will help family members identify and solve family problems.Family therapy works to strengthen the bonds between family members.Family therapy is usually short-term and focuses on one problem.To focus on individual concerns, you or your child may be encouraged to see a therapist.If you want to find a marriage and family therapist, you can ask your family doctor, community resource center or health department, or look online.
Step 14: Start slow.
Don't jump back into a relationship.A broken relationship can take a long time to mend.It could take weeks, months, or even years to return to normal if the root cause of the estrangement is mild or severe.As both of you process your feelings, you may need to have hard conversations about the estrangement.Everything will be back the way it was if you only have one conversation.Slowly increase contact.At first, meet your child alone.Unless they are willing to attend, don't invite them to holiday parties.I understand if you don't want to join us at Thanksgiving.No hard feelings if you don't.
Step 15: Your child is an adult.
Your child can make their own decisions.You can disagree with some of their decisions, but you should allow your adult child to live their own life.Meddling in your adult child's life may have made your child put some distance between you.Unsolicited advice should not be offered.Don't fix your child's life and let them make their own mistakes.
Step 16: Don't give parenting advice.
Parents can be upset by outside parenting advice, but it was meant to be.Unless asked, do not offer your opinion.Give the next generation a chance to raise their own children.Let your child know that you respect their parenting values.If your grandchildren are limited to an hour of TV a day, let their parents know that you will abide by that rule in your house as well, or ask them first if it needs to be broken.
Step 17: You should seek counseling for yourself.
It can be difficult to deal with an estranged child.If you want to deal with your emotions and develop effective communication, you should seek out a mental health professional.You might want to look for a therapist who specializes in family issues.If you would like to have you and your child work out your issues with a counselor present, your individual therapist may refer you to a different one.The counselor can remain objective.You can find help in online support group forums.You will be able to find other people with similar issues, and can discuss your problems and share success stories.
Step 18: Don't be domineering, but be persistent.
Continue to try to communicate with your son or daughter.Sending cards, writing emails, or leaving voicemails will let them know you are thinking about them and want to talk.You should give the person some space and respect their need for privacy.If your adult child finds this intrusive, reduce contact and contact them no more than once a week.Stay in touch.Just wanted to say hello and let you know I was thinking about you.I hope you are doing well.I miss you.You can come to me whenever you want.Don't visit them.Keep in touch with less intrusive forms of contact.
Step 19: If it's necessary, let go.
Your adult child may see your less intrusive attempts at getting in touch as overstepping boundaries and being too much.Even if you have apologized and acknowledged your actions, they may still not want to have anything to do with you.It may be a good idea to step back from a relationship and come to a place of acceptance for the sake of your mental health.You should put the ball in your child's court.Send a note or leave a voicemail that says, "Peter, I understand that you want me to stop contacting you."I will not contact you after this, even though it upsets me.I will be here, but I won't be in touch with you again.In cases of substance abuse, mental illness, or an unhealthy relationship in your child's marriage/partnership, reconciliation may be difficult.Your estrangement may be the result of these problems, but you may not be able to do anything about it until your child addresses the underlying issues.If your child wants no contact at all, you might want to look for a therapist.This terrain is difficult to navigate, and you may need additional support.
Step 20: Accept that your child sees things differently.
Even though you all lived in the same house and spent most of your days together, one person's perception of a situation could still be completely different.Accept that your adult child's recollection is just as valid as yours.A person's view of the situation may be different depending on how close they are to each other.It's possible that moving to a new city was great for you, but your children had no choice but to tag along.A part of family life is separate realities.If you were a child, your parents may have taken you to a museum.Their memories of the day may include interesting exhibits and a family outing.The dinosaur skeletons scared you because you were too hot in your coat.Neither your or your parents recollection is invalid, they are both different points of view.
Step 21: Accept the differences between them.
You may be estranged because one of you doesn't approve of the other's life choicesYou can show your child that you accept them for who they are even if you can't change their attitude towards you.You should show your child your change of heart.If your child is gay, you should find a congregation that is more accepting.You could tell your child that you are reading a book to understand their point of view.It will be more difficult if your child doesn't speak to you because they disapprove of your life choices.Keep showing them you love them by being firm and confident in who you are.You should keep in touch with them and look for opportunities to see them.
Step 22: They have a right to disagree with you.
Don't show disrespect for theirs, just keep your opinions and beliefs the same.You can disagree with someone and still love them.Not everyone has the same opinion.You should honor their differences of opinion.If you are religious and your adult child is not, you could skip church the weekend they are visiting.You can find different topics of conversation.If your adult child starts talking about topics that have made you argue in the past, you could say, "Will, let's agree to disagree on this for right now."When we talk about this, the only thing we do is upset each other.