People of all races, genders, and sexual orientations can have a partner who dictates their behavior.While some controlling partners are good at hiding the damage they do, this relationship dynamic is considered a form of emotional abuse.Providing an understanding ear is one of the best things you can do for someone who is being controlled by their partner.Offer to help them leave the relationship if they choose to.Your friend may not be ready to do this because of fear of their partner.Even if your friend rebuffs your first efforts, stay alert and sensitive.
Step 1: It's a good idea to set up a time to talk in person.
There is a private, safe location.The person's partner may have access to their computer and phone, so don't have the conversation over text or email.Your friend may be suspicious of your motives if you make a big deal of this conversation before.Say something like, "Hey, I miss you."Can we have a chat soon?
Step 2: Let your concern be known.
When you are in a private place, tell your friend or family member that you worry about them.You should back up your concern with specific observations of their relationship.Whenever you talk about looking for a better job, Joe puts you down.If the problem continues, don't hesitate to continue expressing your concern in future meetings.
Step 3: The person's partner should not be attacked.
Despite their flaws, your friend or family member may love their partner.They could get defensive if you talked about what a terrible person your partner is.The person should not be criticized for staying with their partner.If they feel judged, they won't talk to you.Jane is bad news.Jane doesn't want you to see your friends on the weekends anymore, so you let her dictate your schedule.What do you think about that?
Step 4: Listen to what a friend or family member has to say.
The other person should be in charge of the conversation.Don't interrupt them, try to suspend your judgement of their relationship.Focus on understanding what they have to say.No matter what they say, take the person seriously.They understand their relationship better than anyone else.Make sure you ask good follow-up questions.Do you mean that you feel like you have to stay even though you are unhappy?Reassure the person that abusive behavior is not their fault.Don't get upset about this.It is her fault, not yours, and that is easier said than done.
Step 5: If you can, offer to help a friend or family member.
Ask what they need.Let them know that you want to support them.You shouldn't make assumptions about what a friend or family member wants.They can tell you what support is best.Over time, this kind of conversation may have to take place many times.It's better to be steady rather than aggressive.A friend or family member may not be ready to leave their relationship.If that is the case, let them know that you will still be there to help if and when they need it.
Step 6: Help the person find the resources to deal with their situation.
Track down the numbers of some helpful hotlines and find some reading materials about controlling relationships.These resources can be shared with a friend or family member.Unless the person has a safe place to keep them, don't give them pamphlets or books.Unless their partner has access to their computer and phone, don't send them information online.
Step 7: To help the person leave the relationship.
It is difficult to leave a controlling relationship.If your friend or family member wants to leave but doesn't know how, offer to keep their personal items at your house, give them rides to counseling appointments, or let them stay with you while they look for an apartment.Don't promise more than you can give.The other person will depend on you to follow through after you make the offer.
Step 8: Even if the person doesn't leave right away, remain supportive.
It can take a long time for a person who is being abused to leave their partner.It is difficult to see a friend or family member in a bad relationship, but remain available and supportive.Your willingness to listen may mean more to the other person than you realize.Don't try to get the person to leave their partner.It has to be their choice if they leave.
Step 9: Patterns of isolation can be observed.
A controlling person can prevent their partner from spending time with others.They may act jealous when their partner sees other people.If your friend or family member has become less available after getting together with their partner, it could be a sign that they are being isolated.It could be a red flag if the person tells you their partner doesn't approve of their friends or social life.
Step 10: excessive criticism is something to be alert for.
People who are controlling break down their self-esteem in order to gain the upper hand.They can criticize their partner's appearance, personality, or abilities.If the person's partner says something like "You'd look so great if you lost some weight" or "Why are you going back to school?" notice, it may be a backhanded compliment or a joke.You weren't good at school before.
Step 11: You should keep an eye out for this type of behavior.
Does the person's partner get them to do things they wouldn't normally do?In unhealthy relationships, using guilt, threats, or pressure to control a partner's behavior is a common tactic.If your friend or family member has been acting out of character recently, consider if their partner has something to do with it.Statements like "If you ever left me, I would probably kill myself" or "I do all these things for you, and then you repay me by making your own plans and leaving me alone" are indicative of a manipulated relationship.If your friend's life or safety is at risk, you should be aware of that.The more serious the situation may be, the harder it is for them to make contact with you.
Step 12: If your friend's partner is suspicious, you should notice.
The controlling partners want to know what the other person is doing.If your friend or family member has to call their partner frequently to check in, or if they have to get your partner's permission to make plans with other people, the relationship is probably not healthy.If the person's partner reads their text and email conversations, that is a major red flag.